Today is my one year anniversary with Bryan. We're getting massages tonight and taking it easy. I am in love and I am happy.

www.molleaf.tumblr.com

eh, why not?

Dropped my summer class. Let's have fun!

Blah, blah, blah

Put your faith in me, my friends, that one day I'll find a way to give all the things that you've given to me back. Well, put your foot down, my brother. That's no way to live; putting the needs of others ahead of yours. You deserve more than nothing. It's the little things that we do that mean anything. Put your hands on me, my love, while the world wakes up early and wastes the day working for money they don't need to buy things they don't need. We'll sleep in. We'll do it again. It's the little things that we do that mean anything.
Send "Put Your Hands On Me, My Love" Ringtone to your Cell

Feeling pretty tired because of the weather, but also feeling pretty happy. I'm learning to be patient with everything I've got going on. School and work are surprisingly alright. Waiting for two packages to come. One with clothes, one with a 1TB internal hard drive. Have a kinda lengthy to-do list...but, eh.

Have a terrible cold. Room is a shit storm that makes me stressed out, but I have no motivation to clean anything up. Just spent a couple hours watching Four Weddings and a Funeral while taking detailed notes on the brain. Psych tonight. Ultimate dread. Can I move yet?

<3

Sittin' on my shoulder.

presently. my sleeping beauty next to me. just put his arm across my laptop. bedtime for me, too. love.

Warmth really makes a difference. Nothing like driving on winding back roads with the windows down. The sun setting the trees on fire.

Good weekend, great weather. I like riding my bike a lot. Vegan Treats, West Philly Clark Park festival, Balderdash, New Harmony Buffet, drinking 33 oz. of green tea and puking all of it up on the sidewalk. Warmer weather helps everything. I got home from work a little while ago. Job is going great. I really like it a lot. I'm skipping class today...gonna eat my vegan treats and maybe watch a movie or something.

Inability to move in September. Inability to get anything done. Inability to feel happy. I'm unable. I'm going to blame it on the weather.

With our sincere gaze we survey these ruins as if the old monster lay crushed forever beneath the rubble. We pretend to take up home again as the image recedes into the past, as if we were cured once and for all of the scourge of the camps. We pretend it all happened only once, at a given time and place. We turn a blind eye to what surrounds us and a deaf ear to humanity's never-ending cry.

-Night and Fog, 1955

I'd like to write a few letters. If you'd like one, comment with your address?

I feel so tired. So run down. Old college try.

I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn't a second at all, it stretches on forever, like an ocean of time... For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout camp, watching falling stars... And yellow leaves, from the maple trees, that lined my street... Or my grandmother's hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper... And the first time I saw my cousin Tony's brand new Firebird... And Janie... And Janie... And... Carolyn. I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday.

Also:

Listen, everything I love I will devour
and bury the bones down in the snow.
Put me in a beat up El Camino.
Just let me go, just let me go.

Money hungry lately. This new mentality makes me feel sick and sad. I just keep thinking about the family, the white picket fence, the 6-figure salary...who cares? Been thinking about not pursuing an education degree at all. Why be a humble educator when I could be making MONEY, MONEY, MONEY! It just makes me sad, sad, sad. I know I'll get out of this phase. I know I'll do the right thing. But I am already thinking about saving for my fucking retirement! Where do I get off? We may grow up and get lost in it all.

Went through a box of old notes and letters the other night. Weird reading through them. Letters from people I'll surely never talk to again, people I'll surely never see again, people I'll surely never love again. And you just let it all go. I didn't recycle them. They aren't going to come back again. I'll internalize them; sit in a landfill. Or I'll just forget about it all together; burn up in an incinerator. It's hard letting things go, but you do. You do and you open up new chapters in your life and you just have to keep moving on. And that's that.

At RV when I don't have to be for, what, the fourth time? God fucking damnit. I thought I had my midterm today for Masculinity in Lit. (thinking the snow day pushed it to this Monday), but we are actually having it the Monday we get back from Spring Break. I really am out of my mind. Rather than driving home right away I'm going to hang out in the library and plan some stuff out. Going to Philly after this to hang out and watch Heroes with everyone. Work tomorrow at 9am. PNC is going great so far. I really like the people in the branch I am training at. Actually kinda wish I got hired at the Walter Foran branch instead of the 202 one. I mean, I don't know how the 202 branch is going to work and how the people are going to be. I'm sure everyone is nice...I've just gotten used to the branch I'm training at. Everyone is real friendly and funny. Regardless, everything is going smoothly. I'm at the point where I am doing transactions for customers. It's a nice setting. A good job.

Sitting in the RV library right now. I got here too many hours early because I thought I had English today. Nope. Feeling lonely, but enjoying the quiet. Bryan came back with me from Philly Sunday night and he skipped work Monday, so we both got to enjoy the snow day. We went to Auto Zone to get a radiator hose (or something) for his car and then made french toast for ourselves, Pat, and Linda. Hung out, played video games, watched TV and movies. I got rid of lots of clothes that I don't wear anymore...desperately trying to free up space for Lindsay's things. It will be cramped, but we can do it. I think she is officially moving in today or tomorrow. We still have lots of work to do regarding organization and overall cleaning (the dust!). I have Sociology in a little less than an hour. Sitting and drinking chai tea now. Missing Bryan. Missing summer still. Missing lots of things. Missing friends. Spring is around the corner. I can't wait for it. I want it to be so warm that I can drive at night with the windows down. Driving down the shore. Feeling young and alive and whole and happy. I'm starting at PNC today. Training at the Walter Foran Blvd. branch for about a week, then going to work at the one I was hired at. I guess I'll be learning the basics and taking online modules. I have to pass lots of tests, I think. A lot of it is self-taught. Needless to say, I'm really nervous and afraid I'll fuck this up and be unemployed again. I need to save as much money as humanly possible. I need to be ready to go in September, October, whenever. But I'm trying not to sweat it so much. I'm trying to keep my cool and be sociable and learn everything as quickly and efficiently as I can. Hopefully, if all goes well, they can transfer me to a branch in Philadelphia. We'll see.

Fake album cover along the lines of Lindsay's. Okay...now it is time to write my paper.

Quit Staples today. She asked for notice and I said I'd finish out the week (1 more day, Saturday). But, for the first time, I think I am going to totally shaft my employer. No real reason why; they've treated me well. I am just not going to show up Saturday. Instead I'm going to spend the whole weekend in Philadelphia and feel happy and loved and okay. Now, I have to write a 5 page paper. I feel good right now, for being a total dick and all.

I've decided on the one year in Philly plan. I'm going to have to move there in September or October, though, because if I move in December it won't be a full year before I can apply for the Spring semester. I don't want to work for a year and a half. So, I guess I'll have to get an apartment and pay the rent for a couple months before I physically move in. It's got to be done. Hopefully Marlie, Lindsay, and anyone else can jump on board, too. I know Marlie's lease is up in October. Not sure if Lindsay will have the money. Not sure if I will have the money. Simone applied to UArts and Temple. I told her about my plan and she said it sounds good, but it all depends if she gets into a Philly school (and if she can afford it, too). I'm really set on this. I have to go to my night class now. I started a Twitter account. I don't know why. www.twitter.com/m0llie. I guess that's that. I have so much shit to do this week. I have to really clean my out so Lindsay can move in. So much laundry to do with a broken washer. Money to earn. Homework to do. Training at PNC all day Friday. I still need to get my finger prints done in Princeton. I'm tired. Bye.

I am the killer dressed in Pilgrim's clothing.
I'm the hard to find stations on the AM band.
I am the white sky high over Tripoli.
I am the land mine hidden in the sand.

Change of plans? Seriously considering taking a year off from school to live and work full-time in Philadelphia. I want to be there long enough to meet Temple's in-state tuition standards. Makes a lot of sense to me...school for half the price? Yes, please. Both parents are aboard. Still more thinking to be done, but we'll see.

Officially hired at PNC. I have to take a drug test in fucking Edison, NJ before 2:30pm on Friday. There is also a training conflict with my school schedule, so they are sorting that out. Still $13.21 an hour, about 18 hours a week. Monday 8:45am-1pm, Thursday 1pm-6:15pm, Friday 8:45am-2pm, Saturday 8:45-Noon. There go my weekends once this job starts. Staples is going alright. Gonna hold onto that job until I completely settle the one with PNC. I've started cleaning my room, because Lindsay is moving in relatively soon, but it is so hard. I get so distracted and tired. Just might nap instead...what a waste. What a waste of a day. I could go drive to the drug testing place now, but I'm not up for that, either. I risk sitting in miserable rush hour traffic. Gonna go Wednesday afternoon, so if I do end up sitting in traffic at least I won't be late for a night class. I can't take a nap right now. Gotta eat some food to wake up. Gotta clean my room and do homework. Remind me to never take a night class again. I have no motivation to go, especially in the wintertime. All I want to do is curl up under my blankets and pass out.

Six months.

Driving home from school listening to Broom People and crying for everything. This Year comes on and I laugh and laugh.

I've been thinking about the concept of "self" lately, specifically my "self." The other night I wrote a bunch of stuff down and I guess I'll copy it into here. It felt really nice writing shit down for a long time.

1. Jersey Girl and Thunder Road by Bruce Springsteen make me cry (every time) because they remind me of my mother, my father, going down the shore, and summer.
2. I am quick to dish out criticism, usually subtle, but have a hard time taking it. I consider this to be very normal.
3. I wish I did more things outdoors. I really love camping, hiking, and exploring--it just doesn't show that much. Once I'm out there, though, I have a lot of fun. I like to accomplish things.
4. Riding bikes around Philly at night, especially when it's warm, is one of the most liberating feelings for me. I am looking forward to being able to do this in a few months, especially with my brother.
5. Speaking of brothers, I have been heavily influenced by mine for as long as I can remember.
6. It's really hard for me to write anything if I'm not feeling sad or sentimental. I love writing in my Moleskine, but if you were to ever look through it you would just see a whole lot of angst. Sometimes I get really into poetry and think for hours about lines and words...but I always forget to write it down. So, everything gets lost. It's a bad habit.
7. I guess I am just a really negative person. I don't want to be, it just seems realistic. It is really hard for me to find the good in a lot of things.
8. That said, when I come across something beautiful and pure, I can't help but cry. I just want it to stay with me, stay uncorrupted. I think the main reason I cry is because purity is so unattainable. I don't want to be a phony.
9. I value education, especially my own. No matter how much I may complain--I love to learn. I love listening to lectures. The obtainment of a Master's degree is a definite. I plan to pursue my Doctorate one day. Academia is extremely daunting, but I'd like to have a place in it. RVCC has been a good transitional school, but I'm under challenged and ready to move on.
10. I care about people a lot. I am always concerned for the wellbeing of the people I know and the people I am not so close to anymore. Regardless of the current "status" someone has in my life, I care for themm and want them to be healthy and happy. Sometimes I feel weird for being this way, because I even think about people I haven't spoken to in years.
11. Similar to this, if I have ever been in love with a person, a part of me will always love them. Having an intimate relationship and connection with someone is bound to leave a mark. Although I may not be "in love" anymore, I will always care and remember. Again, I think this is relatively normal.
12. I wish I had a car with a manual transmission. I like driving stick and I wish I could really learn how on my own car.
13. I think I may be sick (or just unhealthy in general), but I refuse to go to the doctor. I hate asking for help and I avoid taking medicine as much as possible. I can fix myself if I need to.
14. Mindless retail jobs really don't bother me. I like the repetitive nature of it...scan and bag. However, the bag part ends up ruining my day. The amount of plastic bags still used today is so disheartening. Wake up, people. I always ask if the customer actually needs a bag and I cram everything into the smallest possible bag. I can't remember the last time I personally used one or got one at the store. I carry my purchases or shove them into my purse.
15. I am very interested in gender studies, both male and female. Sometimes I have conflicts with my own gender identity. I put on a guise of toughness all the time. It is actually somewhat masculine...the way I walk, stand, sit, even talk. I wear this mask to hide my vulnerability, weakness, and self-consciousness (which are all in abundance). It's uncomfortable to be like this, because I always want to appear feminine. I feel awkward in dresses, skirts, heels, earrings...I haven't shaved my armpits or legs in many, many months. I have trouble with some stuff.
16. Although I act tough, I open up really easily. I can become a blubbering mess very quickly--and frequently do. Very sensitive and sentimental.
17. My father is my hero. He is a mental, physical, and financial success. The thought of losing him one day puts me over the edge, and the same goes for my mother. She hints to me that I don't like her or respect her, which isn't true at all. It breaks my heart when she says those things.
18. I like to live spontaneously in the present but I obsessively plan for my future.

Looking back, all that seems like total bullshit. It looks like a 5 year old wrote it. The usage of the word "I" always bothers me. Fuck it. PNC called this morning to schedule a second interview. I couldn't pick up because I was working at Staples...and I forgot to call back today. Ah well. Tomorrow. The past two days have smelled like Spring. It makes me so happy and so sad. The sound of an airplane cutting through the air reminds me of summertime in Randolph when I was drinking iced tea in the backyard with my face pointed up at the sky. I was a lot smaller then. I didn't know much about anything then. I cared for a stray Border Collie that stayed for a couple days and never came back. I played alone in the bushes. I think I felt happy. I need it to be summer because I may or may not be losing my shit.

Thanks for shopping at Staples. Please hire me, PNC.

Just got off the phone with Cassandra from PNC in Flemington. I basically had an interview over the phone. She said a guy would be calling me to set up my 2nd interview! If I get this job, I'd be working 16-19 hours a week making $13.21 an hour. Holy shit. I need to get this job. I'm determined. I'd be working a set schedule of Monday 8:45am-1:00pm, Thursday 8:45-1:00, Friday 8:45-2, and Saturday 8:45-12:15 plus a few here and theres. The only day I can't work is Thursday because of my school schedule, but the woman said they could be flexible. I'm so psyched on this. I really hope that it works out. For the 2nd interview I need to bring a copy of my resume, dress professionally, and have lots of customer service examples. Writing a paper right now for my English class tomorrow. I have a lit. class in about an hour and a half, followed by work at Staples from 5:30-9:30. The shirt they gave me is a small, but it is fucking gigantic. Might need help sewing that. Dreading Staples, but it will have to do for now. Hopefully I can say bye to them soon. Gonna keep writing and get ready for school.

PNC Bank called me back for an interview for the Teller position. I'm playing phone tag with the woman who called, so hopefully she will get back to me and we can set something up. If I get the job, I am sure it will pay more than Staples. Also, it would look better on a resume in the future rather than more retail. We'll see what happens...I'd feel bad dissing Staples like that and totally bailing out--but you gotta do what you gotta do. Dog eat dog. I sent my dad a long e-mail detailing my academic transcript at RV and my future plans. I'm currently signed up for four summer classes, spread out over both sections of the summer. God damn. It is going to be time consuming and shitty, but I need to do it if I want to get out of there in the fall. Dog eat dog. I'm signed up for Contemporary Social Issues, Intro to Political Science, Intro to Psych, and American Government and Politics. Today I watched To Kill A Mockingbird by myself. My dad used to show it to my brothers and I when we were kids. It seems like everytime we were with him, we'd watch the movie. It wasn't until later that I read the book, or even understood the film. It remains one of my favorite books and, if not my favorite, film. Atticus Finch is a man to admire. Jean Louise. Jean Louise, stand up. Your father's passing.

I am now employed by Staples.

I didn't do much this weekend, but it feels like it lasted awhile. Basically just hung around Flemington with Bryan. Ate a lot of french toast, was unsuccessful at finding winter shoes, hung our heads out of my bedroom window, napped, shoplifted, made necklaces, watched Californication and Dexter, and got a call back from Staples, of all places. I have a job interview today at noon. Class from 1:30-3:00. I need to brush my teeth and maybe brush my hair. Am on a reading kick, finally. Had a long dream about Tracey Luscia this morning and I've never missed her more. My mirror from the abandoned farmhouse is broken and tiny pieces of glass litter my floor. I cut my toe on a piece last night and little bits keep scraping on my feet when I walk. I have felt so fucking lonely lately. Really reflective and just plain sad. While hanging my head out the window to my backyard, I couldn't help but see all the people there. People I knew intimately, people I knew for only a short period of time, people I hardly knew at all that were there anyway. I miss hanging out, having fun, staying up late, having parties, spending time with people. Talking. I miss talking. If you ever want to hang out, I'll be available. If you ever want to talk, I'll talk. I miss having friends. I miss my friends. I miss you and you and you and you and you and you and you and I could go on and on, but I'll stop now. I want to go away this summer, but it's proven to be difficult. Why does it have to be hard? Why can't I just go?

I love this boy.

Wild hearts, blue jeans, and white t-shirts.

new backpack!

new ears!

I never reflected on 2008 and I've decided I'm not going to. All I can really think about is that I was just one big fucking asshole and one big disappointment to myself and, more importantly, other people. And that is basically it in a nutshell. I did, however, have a lot of fun. I'll never forget the memories I made in 2008. The times I had. I'll never forget any of it. I finish my winter class this Friday. Still jobless. I applied for another hospital position (as a transporter--pushing people around in wheelchairs) and I need to call Teaberry's and see if they are hiring. I have no real motivation to get anything done anymore. My bank account has been fluctuating, and I'm not worried. Bryan took my car to work today to change my oil and inflate my tires. So, today I get the Jeep. Currently cleaning up my C drive and I'll probably watch more TV shows after that. I've been watching Dexter and more recently Californication, which is superb. I'm really happy with Showtime shows. Does anyone have Weeds? My head is killing me and all I want to do is take a nap, but I promised Bryan I'd wait for him to come home from work. Spring classes start soon. It won't be warm for three or four more months. I miss summer so badly. I miss staying up late and driving around all night or riding my bike all night. I miss seeing people. I miss having friends. Losing touch with people is such a shitty feeling. Still stuck in Flemington. My plans for Temple/Philly are pushed to Spring 2010. I'll apply this summer for that semester. Everything is happening so slowly. The process of finishing school, the process of applying to a new school, the process of finding a job, the process of winter. It's all one big process that is taking too much time. I'm so impatient. Lately I have been feeling so physically far away from my thoughts, especially when I lay in bed at night. It makes me feel nauseous because I literally feel like I am flying above my thoughts, unable to put my feet on the ground. To wrap my mind around them. It's so hard to explain. It makes me feel panicky, to say the least. The other night I felt like this and started thinking about the prospect of life after death. I am godless. I don't believe in an afterlife. Death is nothingness. It is similar to a womb-like state. No recollection of anything. But that thought was paralyzing me completely. Stopping me in my tracks. I felt two different waves of sickness and almost had to go to the bathroom to vomit. In the morning I felt better and at peace. What the fuck? Who cares, though, really. I've said it once and I'll keep saying it--nothing fucking matters. I have a really good fortune on my keyboard... "Actions speak louder than talks." I like that. It is completely irrelevant to everything I just said before, but I like it. Okay, bye.

even a smart girl can end up
with a bomb strapped to her chest

Still unemployed. Still cold. Headaches. 3-7 hours of math problems every day for two weeks. Missing friends. Repeated letdowns, which I'm really the cause of. Stuck in Flemington. The only thing I feel proud of is having a GPA of 3.87 my first semester. Made the Dean's List. RV is so lonely sometimes. Maybe it won't feel so empty when it's warmer. Bryan's coming over tonight. We're going to make pancakes, lay in bed, and watch Dexter. My mom is watching something on Oprah about spirituality. For some reason I can't help but feel like it's some kind of cop-out. I've never considered myself spiritual. I don't know what I'm saying, really. I've been feeling even more cynical than usual lately. Still unemployed. Still cold. Headaches.