I'd like to write a few letters. If you'd like one, comment with your address?

I feel so tired. So run down. Old college try.

I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn't a second at all, it stretches on forever, like an ocean of time... For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout camp, watching falling stars... And yellow leaves, from the maple trees, that lined my street... Or my grandmother's hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper... And the first time I saw my cousin Tony's brand new Firebird... And Janie... And Janie... And... Carolyn. I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday.

Also:

Listen, everything I love I will devour
and bury the bones down in the snow.
Put me in a beat up El Camino.
Just let me go, just let me go.

Money hungry lately. This new mentality makes me feel sick and sad. I just keep thinking about the family, the white picket fence, the 6-figure salary...who cares? Been thinking about not pursuing an education degree at all. Why be a humble educator when I could be making MONEY, MONEY, MONEY! It just makes me sad, sad, sad. I know I'll get out of this phase. I know I'll do the right thing. But I am already thinking about saving for my fucking retirement! Where do I get off? We may grow up and get lost in it all.

Went through a box of old notes and letters the other night. Weird reading through them. Letters from people I'll surely never talk to again, people I'll surely never see again, people I'll surely never love again. And you just let it all go. I didn't recycle them. They aren't going to come back again. I'll internalize them; sit in a landfill. Or I'll just forget about it all together; burn up in an incinerator. It's hard letting things go, but you do. You do and you open up new chapters in your life and you just have to keep moving on. And that's that.

At RV when I don't have to be for, what, the fourth time? God fucking damnit. I thought I had my midterm today for Masculinity in Lit. (thinking the snow day pushed it to this Monday), but we are actually having it the Monday we get back from Spring Break. I really am out of my mind. Rather than driving home right away I'm going to hang out in the library and plan some stuff out. Going to Philly after this to hang out and watch Heroes with everyone. Work tomorrow at 9am. PNC is going great so far. I really like the people in the branch I am training at. Actually kinda wish I got hired at the Walter Foran branch instead of the 202 one. I mean, I don't know how the 202 branch is going to work and how the people are going to be. I'm sure everyone is nice...I've just gotten used to the branch I'm training at. Everyone is real friendly and funny. Regardless, everything is going smoothly. I'm at the point where I am doing transactions for customers. It's a nice setting. A good job.

Sitting in the RV library right now. I got here too many hours early because I thought I had English today. Nope. Feeling lonely, but enjoying the quiet. Bryan came back with me from Philly Sunday night and he skipped work Monday, so we both got to enjoy the snow day. We went to Auto Zone to get a radiator hose (or something) for his car and then made french toast for ourselves, Pat, and Linda. Hung out, played video games, watched TV and movies. I got rid of lots of clothes that I don't wear anymore...desperately trying to free up space for Lindsay's things. It will be cramped, but we can do it. I think she is officially moving in today or tomorrow. We still have lots of work to do regarding organization and overall cleaning (the dust!). I have Sociology in a little less than an hour. Sitting and drinking chai tea now. Missing Bryan. Missing summer still. Missing lots of things. Missing friends. Spring is around the corner. I can't wait for it. I want it to be so warm that I can drive at night with the windows down. Driving down the shore. Feeling young and alive and whole and happy. I'm starting at PNC today. Training at the Walter Foran Blvd. branch for about a week, then going to work at the one I was hired at. I guess I'll be learning the basics and taking online modules. I have to pass lots of tests, I think. A lot of it is self-taught. Needless to say, I'm really nervous and afraid I'll fuck this up and be unemployed again. I need to save as much money as humanly possible. I need to be ready to go in September, October, whenever. But I'm trying not to sweat it so much. I'm trying to keep my cool and be sociable and learn everything as quickly and efficiently as I can. Hopefully, if all goes well, they can transfer me to a branch in Philadelphia. We'll see.