PNC Bank called me back for an interview for the Teller position. I'm playing phone tag with the woman who called, so hopefully she will get back to me and we can set something up. If I get the job, I am sure it will pay more than Staples. Also, it would look better on a resume in the future rather than more retail. We'll see what happens...I'd feel bad dissing Staples like that and totally bailing out--but you gotta do what you gotta do. Dog eat dog. I sent my dad a long e-mail detailing my academic transcript at RV and my future plans. I'm currently signed up for four summer classes, spread out over both sections of the summer. God damn. It is going to be time consuming and shitty, but I need to do it if I want to get out of there in the fall. Dog eat dog. I'm signed up for Contemporary Social Issues, Intro to Political Science, Intro to Psych, and American Government and Politics. Today I watched To Kill A Mockingbird by myself. My dad used to show it to my brothers and I when we were kids. It seems like everytime we were with him, we'd watch the movie. It wasn't until later that I read the book, or even understood the film. It remains one of my favorite books and, if not my favorite, film. Atticus Finch is a man to admire. Jean Louise. Jean Louise, stand up. Your father's passing.

I am now employed by Staples.

I didn't do much this weekend, but it feels like it lasted awhile. Basically just hung around Flemington with Bryan. Ate a lot of french toast, was unsuccessful at finding winter shoes, hung our heads out of my bedroom window, napped, shoplifted, made necklaces, watched Californication and Dexter, and got a call back from Staples, of all places. I have a job interview today at noon. Class from 1:30-3:00. I need to brush my teeth and maybe brush my hair. Am on a reading kick, finally. Had a long dream about Tracey Luscia this morning and I've never missed her more. My mirror from the abandoned farmhouse is broken and tiny pieces of glass litter my floor. I cut my toe on a piece last night and little bits keep scraping on my feet when I walk. I have felt so fucking lonely lately. Really reflective and just plain sad. While hanging my head out the window to my backyard, I couldn't help but see all the people there. People I knew intimately, people I knew for only a short period of time, people I hardly knew at all that were there anyway. I miss hanging out, having fun, staying up late, having parties, spending time with people. Talking. I miss talking. If you ever want to hang out, I'll be available. If you ever want to talk, I'll talk. I miss having friends. I miss my friends. I miss you and you and you and you and you and you and you and I could go on and on, but I'll stop now. I want to go away this summer, but it's proven to be difficult. Why does it have to be hard? Why can't I just go?

I love this boy.

Wild hearts, blue jeans, and white t-shirts.

new backpack!

new ears!

I never reflected on 2008 and I've decided I'm not going to. All I can really think about is that I was just one big fucking asshole and one big disappointment to myself and, more importantly, other people. And that is basically it in a nutshell. I did, however, have a lot of fun. I'll never forget the memories I made in 2008. The times I had. I'll never forget any of it. I finish my winter class this Friday. Still jobless. I applied for another hospital position (as a transporter--pushing people around in wheelchairs) and I need to call Teaberry's and see if they are hiring. I have no real motivation to get anything done anymore. My bank account has been fluctuating, and I'm not worried. Bryan took my car to work today to change my oil and inflate my tires. So, today I get the Jeep. Currently cleaning up my C drive and I'll probably watch more TV shows after that. I've been watching Dexter and more recently Californication, which is superb. I'm really happy with Showtime shows. Does anyone have Weeds? My head is killing me and all I want to do is take a nap, but I promised Bryan I'd wait for him to come home from work. Spring classes start soon. It won't be warm for three or four more months. I miss summer so badly. I miss staying up late and driving around all night or riding my bike all night. I miss seeing people. I miss having friends. Losing touch with people is such a shitty feeling. Still stuck in Flemington. My plans for Temple/Philly are pushed to Spring 2010. I'll apply this summer for that semester. Everything is happening so slowly. The process of finishing school, the process of applying to a new school, the process of finding a job, the process of winter. It's all one big process that is taking too much time. I'm so impatient. Lately I have been feeling so physically far away from my thoughts, especially when I lay in bed at night. It makes me feel nauseous because I literally feel like I am flying above my thoughts, unable to put my feet on the ground. To wrap my mind around them. It's so hard to explain. It makes me feel panicky, to say the least. The other night I felt like this and started thinking about the prospect of life after death. I am godless. I don't believe in an afterlife. Death is nothingness. It is similar to a womb-like state. No recollection of anything. But that thought was paralyzing me completely. Stopping me in my tracks. I felt two different waves of sickness and almost had to go to the bathroom to vomit. In the morning I felt better and at peace. What the fuck? Who cares, though, really. I've said it once and I'll keep saying it--nothing fucking matters. I have a really good fortune on my keyboard... "Actions speak louder than talks." I like that. It is completely irrelevant to everything I just said before, but I like it. Okay, bye.

even a smart girl can end up
with a bomb strapped to her chest

Still unemployed. Still cold. Headaches. 3-7 hours of math problems every day for two weeks. Missing friends. Repeated letdowns, which I'm really the cause of. Stuck in Flemington. The only thing I feel proud of is having a GPA of 3.87 my first semester. Made the Dean's List. RV is so lonely sometimes. Maybe it won't feel so empty when it's warmer. Bryan's coming over tonight. We're going to make pancakes, lay in bed, and watch Dexter. My mom is watching something on Oprah about spirituality. For some reason I can't help but feel like it's some kind of cop-out. I've never considered myself spiritual. I don't know what I'm saying, really. I've been feeling even more cynical than usual lately. Still unemployed. Still cold. Headaches.