you want to track each trickle back to its source and then scream up the faucet until your face is hoarse because you're surrounded by a world's worth of things you just can't excuse.
i need to focus on making a difference locally or something. i want to mend relationships and feel good here and now and stop thinking about everything else. it's gotten to the point where i feel physical pain because of it. all i can think about are corporations and people dying and people buying more and more shit and me driving my car and not even understanding any of it and just being another cog in the machine and i think about maquiladoras and the women working in them and i just want to hold them and tell them it's going to be alright and that they don't have to be taken advantage of anymore but there is no way. there is no solution for anything. in ap human geography we talk about the gender distribution crisis in china and there is no solution. why can't things ever just be in black or white? it's been so hard over the past year or longer. it's so hard to find joy in shit when you realize everything else going on. i want to keep learning and fill my brain even more but it really just hurts so badly. my dad said i need to drop out. not out of school, but out of society. i don't know how to make myself feel better. i can't see the brighter side. i feel completely helpless. knowing that i can't escape this fucking place and these places and ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. and here i am, posting an entry on a blog. wasting energy. i can't help but support the things i want nothing to do with. is there a way to boycott planet earth? please, tell me if there is a way to feel better.
