bit by the cold of December, I'm warm beside your smile.

Finished reading Camus' The Plague tonight and just finished the term paper for it. I have to prepare for my English final tonight. Tomorrow I need to write another paper (for my World Civ. final) and study for my math final. I want this week to be over. I want winter break so badly. I am 95% sure that I got a job at Hunterdon Medical Center as a Registrar in the Radiology Department. I'll be making a minimum of $12/hr. I went for an interview, met the staff, and the woman said I'd be getting a call soon. We'll see.

Rome was awesome and it is a little unfortunate to be home already, but it's really okay. I read a 220 pg. book on the plane ride home, just in time for my night class. Had to drive Bryan's car to class because my brakes have failed? Hopefully that will get fixed tomorrow. I just wrote a paper for English. I still have to write notecards out for a presentation. Tomorrow I have to finish reading another book, and write a paper for that, too. Hopefully I can make up my math test, too. What a bad week to go away. Very worth it, but shitty right before finals.
I need winter break so badly. I know I have a winter session course, but it is still a break. Spring semester classes are Intro to Psych, Intro to Sociology, Global Patterns of Racism, Number Systems, and English II. I was thinking about taking a science class, but I don't know if I'll feel like doing all that work when it's warm out (yikes.) I'm taking intro classes because I know they will transfer out when it's time to leave RV. Hopefully I'll be out and into Temple by Spring 2010 semester. It seems so far away :(
I have a job interview at Hunterdon Medical Center this Thursday at 11am for the Registrar position in the Radiology department. I sincerely hope I get that job because Rome put a big dent in my bank account. Thursday afternoon/evening I'm going to my dad's to help him decorate his Christmas tree. After that, I am heading to Philly and not returning to Flemington until Sunday. This weekend will consist of...Kingdom Buffet, banana splits, bruschetta, Bryan, Brian, staying warm, other friends, emailing teachers, studying for finals...hopefully my car will be fixed. It's almost 1am. I still have to finish homework and take a shower. Planes make me feel so dirty. Bryan is sleeping next to me right now. My left leg is under his body and it is so warm. I feel happy.
I'll upload a few pictures from Rome here within the next few days hopefully. The rest will go on Flickr. I meant to send out postcards, but the day I went to do it was a holiday. Everything closed early and the self-stamping machines weren't on. So, I have postcards with me. I know it's not that fun to just be handed a postcard...but it's the best I could do. They're all filled out and everything. I am just wasting time now. Bye bye.

I used to think the factory on 95, heading toward Philadelphia, was beautiful. The way the lights and smoke looked at night mesmerized me. Now when I drive past, it only reeks of acetone. It stings my nostrils, forcing me to hold my breath. It's not beautiful anymore. It's ugly. I'm going to start writing in my tangible journal again. I've missed it.

I'm going to Rome with Bryan from December 3rd to the 9th. we got flight vouchers from my step mom, so the airfare is totally free. It was just a scramble to find open flights. so, Rome. Why not? I'm excited.

I keep getting real stressed about school, schoolwork, future schooling. Bucks officially closed, so I'm unemployed, too. Met with an advising counselor at RV to talk about Temple shit. It didn't help. I just have to call, book a tour date, and talk to some people, I guess. Feeling kinda shitty. I might be stuck in Flemington for another year, afterall. My dad lost an obscene amount of money in stocks and my college fund took a hit. I'm determined to go, though. I can take loans out for my undergrad studies. Some schools pay teachers to go back and get their Masters...that is an option. That has to be an option. Things with Bryan are going really well. 2 month was two days ago. Time is flying. I love Philly. Marlie's moving there this Wednesday. 11th and Spring Garden. I can't go in to see her place til Thursday or Friday, though. I'm so beat. I am having trouble falling asleep at night because I keep thinking about all the fucking reading homework I have to do. I can't get on top of shit. I'm really stressing over math. Remedial math and I am struggling so badly. If I fail any of the mods, I am totally screwed. This is such a bullshit entry. I haven't updated this thing in such a long time. I don't write in my moleskine anymore. I want to, but I feel weird writing happy shit in it for a change. I don't know what I'm saying. Time to go to class. Heroes tonight. I need to find a job. I'll write something happier later.

life is good.

summer is almost over. everyone's leaving and it is making me feel really lonely and jealous. lindsay and i went to the RVCC orientation last night and it was pretty much bullshit. i'm not excited for school to start, but i'm trying to be. i'm trying to be excited about this next year, because after that i'm going to philly. i'm trying. i've got a new boy and he is spectacular and i feel happy. i'm feeling really weird tonight. i think i'm going to go to bed. i have work tomorrow at 1, but i need to wake up early to go dress shopping for my stepbrother's wedding on september 13th. i ordered a bike the other night, but it won't ship until september 15th. i feel so weird. melancholy. please talk to me.

They warn you about killers and thieves in the night
I worry about cancer and living right
But my momma never warned me about my own destructive appetite

summer's been good. lately I've been spending a lot of time in Philly. I can't go to RV for two years. there is no fucking way I'm staying here. I haven't noticed until now. Flemington is pretty beat. I am pretty beat. time for sleep. I'm truly happy for the first time in awhile.

I'm graduating from high school today.

MyUzi: fuck school and work
MyUzi: lets goto six flags
MyUzi: or race car school
MyUzi: or fishing
MyUzi: or sleep all day

that's the right idea. I think there are seventeen days left of school. oh my god.

I don't think I'm a bad person. I can be patient. I sat at Hess for twenty minutes waiting to get gas. A lady even backed into me, but after inspecting the lack of damage I said it was cool and got back in my car. I think I can be nice. I don't think I'm a bad person. This is the first time I'm actually crossing things off my to-do list. It grows everyday, but I'm getting there. I'm taking initiative and trying to be more responsible. I'm really trying. Tonight is Jenni's party and I'm trying to battle this oncoming headache so I can smile a lot tonight and have fun with my friends. I can be patient.

I'm at work right now drinking water to help my newly discovered asthma, apparently. I've had a pretty bad cough for about a month and I finally went to the doctor for it--only to find out I have to use an inhaler. oh well. there are about 25 days left of school. good. I have terrible senioritis, even though my schedule is: Gym, Project Adventure, Study Hall, Modern Drama. I can't do any work anymore. things are changing in a few aspects of my life and I'm growing up more everyday, I think. my favorite Bucks regular is here. what a good guy. honestly. I hope this summer is a good one. I hope I stop coughing soon. I'm just wasting time now. I'll start updating this more.

well, I feel like shit.

I don't even know what is going on anymore! but you know, it's okay.

today

slept in, class pictures, voter registration, short classes, veganism, driving, the royal tenenbaums.
I need this warmth to continue and grow.

Waking Life

I went into Philly this Saturday with Corey and spent the night at the 707 house. It was nice just hanging out and seeing Brian. My first time experiencing Kingdom and Mugshots, too, which were both amazing. I want to spend a lot of time there, because I might end up in Philadelphia in a couple years. I can't stop listening to Joanna Newsom.

I'm still awake and anticipating a snow day tomorrow. This week went by really fast. Lindsay's been writing poetry, and so have I. It feels really nice. Usually I end up getting in bed to go to sleep, but I can't stop thinking about words and events and I have to get out of bed to jot them down. I'm not really going to share them like Lindsay is doing because I don't feel comfortable doing that. Maybe if I write something I'm really proud of. My god. I am so tired all the time. Goodnight. P.S. Where can I develop the film sitting in my Holga? I haven't really looked into anywhere around here yet, but if you know of a place...great!

And Man created the plastic bag and the tin and aluminum can and the cellophane wrapper and the paper plate and the disposable bottle, and this was good because man could then take his automobile and buy his food all in one place and he could save that which was good to eat in the refrigerator and throw away that which had no further use. And pretty soon the earth was covered with plastic bags and aluminum cans and paper plates and disposable bottles, and there was nowhere left to sit down or to walk. And Man shook his head and cried, ‘Look at all this God-awful litter.’
-Art Buchwald, 1970.

I like this. slam poetry is spectacular.



and this. this song.

today is Super Tuesday. I have blisters on my hands from drumming in Rock Band. I can't think of anything interesting to say, really, other than that I'm disappointed in my Lit class. I'm probably too pretentious, but everything we are learning is redundant for me and I feel like I am at such a higher reading level than most of the kids in my class. my teacher isn't very interesting (or nice), but it's too late to drop the class for something else. there are so many classes at Central that I'll never have the chance to take. today they passed out the Program of Study for next year, but I didn't get one. there is no next year! I applied to RV the other day, to get it out of the way. now I have to wait to get the packet in the mail, take my placement tests, meet with a counselor, and pick my classes for the fall semester. I'm excited for that. I am. I like high school, but I'm really sick of all the people in it. I like learning, but I need to mature academically. this afternoon I took a nap, and I had a dream where I was hiding from Brad Pitt, because he was sent to kill me. I was at the Johnson Road house, and it was very comforting. I also realized that I always dream in color. okay, time for bed.

still awake at 2:30am. I just finished a research paper. my room smells like dirt. this may be the messiest it has ever been. maybe I'll get around to it this week. time for a shower. today (the 14th) is my one year with Corey. what a long time! and I'm still madly in love.

you want to track each trickle back to its source and then scream up the faucet until your face is hoarse because you're surrounded by a world's worth of things you just can't excuse.

i need to focus on making a difference locally or something. i want to mend relationships and feel good here and now and stop thinking about everything else. it's gotten to the point where i feel physical pain because of it. all i can think about are corporations and people dying and people buying more and more shit and me driving my car and not even understanding any of it and just being another cog in the machine and i think about maquiladoras and the women working in them and i just want to hold them and tell them it's going to be alright and that they don't have to be taken advantage of anymore but there is no way. there is no solution for anything. in ap human geography we talk about the gender distribution crisis in china and there is no solution. why can't things ever just be in black or white? it's been so hard over the past year or longer. it's so hard to find joy in shit when you realize everything else going on. i want to keep learning and fill my brain even more but it really just hurts so badly. my dad said i need to drop out. not out of school, but out of society. i don't know how to make myself feel better. i can't see the brighter side. i feel completely helpless. knowing that i can't escape this fucking place and these places and ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. and here i am, posting an entry on a blog. wasting energy. i can't help but support the things i want nothing to do with. is there a way to boycott planet earth? please, tell me if there is a way to feel better.