I've been thinking about the concept of "self" lately, specifically my "self." The other night I wrote a bunch of stuff down and I guess I'll copy it into here. It felt really nice writing shit down for a long time.

1. Jersey Girl and Thunder Road by Bruce Springsteen make me cry (every time) because they remind me of my mother, my father, going down the shore, and summer.
2. I am quick to dish out criticism, usually subtle, but have a hard time taking it. I consider this to be very normal.
3. I wish I did more things outdoors. I really love camping, hiking, and exploring--it just doesn't show that much. Once I'm out there, though, I have a lot of fun. I like to accomplish things.
4. Riding bikes around Philly at night, especially when it's warm, is one of the most liberating feelings for me. I am looking forward to being able to do this in a few months, especially with my brother.
5. Speaking of brothers, I have been heavily influenced by mine for as long as I can remember.
6. It's really hard for me to write anything if I'm not feeling sad or sentimental. I love writing in my Moleskine, but if you were to ever look through it you would just see a whole lot of angst. Sometimes I get really into poetry and think for hours about lines and words...but I always forget to write it down. So, everything gets lost. It's a bad habit.
7. I guess I am just a really negative person. I don't want to be, it just seems realistic. It is really hard for me to find the good in a lot of things.
8. That said, when I come across something beautiful and pure, I can't help but cry. I just want it to stay with me, stay uncorrupted. I think the main reason I cry is because purity is so unattainable. I don't want to be a phony.
9. I value education, especially my own. No matter how much I may complain--I love to learn. I love listening to lectures. The obtainment of a Master's degree is a definite. I plan to pursue my Doctorate one day. Academia is extremely daunting, but I'd like to have a place in it. RVCC has been a good transitional school, but I'm under challenged and ready to move on.
10. I care about people a lot. I am always concerned for the wellbeing of the people I know and the people I am not so close to anymore. Regardless of the current "status" someone has in my life, I care for themm and want them to be healthy and happy. Sometimes I feel weird for being this way, because I even think about people I haven't spoken to in years.
11. Similar to this, if I have ever been in love with a person, a part of me will always love them. Having an intimate relationship and connection with someone is bound to leave a mark. Although I may not be "in love" anymore, I will always care and remember. Again, I think this is relatively normal.
12. I wish I had a car with a manual transmission. I like driving stick and I wish I could really learn how on my own car.
13. I think I may be sick (or just unhealthy in general), but I refuse to go to the doctor. I hate asking for help and I avoid taking medicine as much as possible. I can fix myself if I need to.
14. Mindless retail jobs really don't bother me. I like the repetitive nature of it...scan and bag. However, the bag part ends up ruining my day. The amount of plastic bags still used today is so disheartening. Wake up, people. I always ask if the customer actually needs a bag and I cram everything into the smallest possible bag. I can't remember the last time I personally used one or got one at the store. I carry my purchases or shove them into my purse.
15. I am very interested in gender studies, both male and female. Sometimes I have conflicts with my own gender identity. I put on a guise of toughness all the time. It is actually somewhat masculine...the way I walk, stand, sit, even talk. I wear this mask to hide my vulnerability, weakness, and self-consciousness (which are all in abundance). It's uncomfortable to be like this, because I always want to appear feminine. I feel awkward in dresses, skirts, heels, earrings...I haven't shaved my armpits or legs in many, many months. I have trouble with some stuff.
16. Although I act tough, I open up really easily. I can become a blubbering mess very quickly--and frequently do. Very sensitive and sentimental.
17. My father is my hero. He is a mental, physical, and financial success. The thought of losing him one day puts me over the edge, and the same goes for my mother. She hints to me that I don't like her or respect her, which isn't true at all. It breaks my heart when she says those things.
18. I like to live spontaneously in the present but I obsessively plan for my future.

Looking back, all that seems like total bullshit. It looks like a 5 year old wrote it. The usage of the word "I" always bothers me. Fuck it. PNC called this morning to schedule a second interview. I couldn't pick up because I was working at Staples...and I forgot to call back today. Ah well. Tomorrow. The past two days have smelled like Spring. It makes me so happy and so sad. The sound of an airplane cutting through the air reminds me of summertime in Randolph when I was drinking iced tea in the backyard with my face pointed up at the sky. I was a lot smaller then. I didn't know much about anything then. I cared for a stray Border Collie that stayed for a couple days and never came back. I played alone in the bushes. I think I felt happy. I need it to be summer because I may or may not be losing my shit.